From the Wire

Another in an occasional series of tidbits and amusements culled from press releases I receive.

“10 Ways to Make Your Kid Fat” was the headline of one recent release. That’s a headline that will at least get me to read the release. Way to go,, although your name could use a little work. is an innovative website that challenges conventional wisdom through tools that empower children and inspire parents to live a fun, active, and healthy life. – or so says the release.

Among the tongue-in-cheek tips: Pay no attention to portion sizes. In fact, adult portions are completely appropriate. Don’t worry about a child’s stomach only being the size of her fist. It really stretches a lot.

I also liked “Train their taste buds for very sweet and very salty. As always with kids, consistency is important here. Always let them have chocolate milk, and they will never go for plain again if given the choice.

My favorite Lifesaver flavor is a toss up between spearmint and cherry. I can never find the spearmint ones anymore (and why do some people pronounce it “spear-a-mint?) and I’m not enough of a fan of the other four flavors to buy a roll of assorted flavors to get my cherry fix. Thank goodness Tic Tac is coming to the rescue.

Coming your way this summer are Wild Cherry and Peach Fusion Tic Tacs. No, I don’t know why they’re still called mint flavors when there’s nothing mint about them.

From the release: While the sweet and refreshing sensation of Peach Fusion Tic Tac® mints provide a relaxing way to cool off from the summer heat, the bursting flavor of Wild Cherry Tic Tac® mints will wake up fatigued taste buds just in time for a summer night out.

Eating contests fascinate me. I blame a former colleague who was a fan of the Coney Island hot dog eating contest. I can’t understand why anyone would shove that much of any food down their throats in such a short time. Dunking hot dog rolls in water as a strategy would kick in my gag reflex. Then I got this release:

Bertoletti Breaks Record by Eating 275 Whole Jalapenos in Eight Minutes

That’s 275 jalapenos in 8 minutes. 1.75 jalapenos a second! The stems were removed from the peppers so they could eat more. Check out the video.

Press releases are meant to publicize something. That’s good. But please don’t use the word “surprise” in your headline as in “Amanda Peet Set to Surprise, Thank 500 Students May 9 in New York.”

Um, if you’re publicizing it and inviting media, how much of a surprise is it really?

May 9, 2011: the day the craft beer movement ended. Why? That’s the date on this release.

T.G.I. Friday’s Brews a Summer Menu with the Flavors of Craft Beer

When Friday’s is using craft beer to draw customers in, it’s time for hipsters to find a new obsession. Especially when the new menu to accompany craft beers includes a Guinness Stout blended with chocolate syrup and vanilla ice cream and topped with whipped cream.


2 thoughts on “From the Wire

  1. I think that’s the only way you could get me to “drink” a beer, with “with chocolate syrup and vanilla ice cream and topped with whipped cream.” Sounds awesome. Finally someone’s thinking!

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